‘Love loves to give’

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… James and I started going out a month ago. While I always knew that he came from a well-off family, I didn’t really get it until a couple of weeks ago when he asked me to go on vacation with him and his family.

I thought it would just be a couple of days at a local resort, so imagine my surprise when he surprises me with tickets for a Southeast Asian tour. I spent the past two weeks in Bangkok, Hanoi, and Siem Reap with him and his family, and he didn’t even ask me to pay for anything.

Now that we’re back here in the country, I can’t help but feel a little guilty about all the money that he and his family spent on me. While I didn’t grow up poor, money wasn’t something that came easy to my family either. My friends say that I shouldn’t feel guilty, since I didn’t ask to be taken on the trip with them, and I’m honestly trying my best to enjoy it, but I just can’t shake the feeling away.

Is it normal for me to feel this way, or am I over-thinking things? Is there some way I can “repay” my boyfriend without it costing an arm and a leg? I would love to spoil my boyfriend the same way he spoils me, but it seems we are working with vastly different budgets. – Nadine

CHICO SAYS… I understand how you feel. Sometimes a gift is so overwhelming that you feel, compelled to return it somehow, whether in the form of buying him some sort of equivalent, or anything to assuage any feelings of guilt from receiving such a lavish gift. But remember, it’s intrinsic to a gift that an equivalent is not given in return, otherwise it becomes an act of bartering, not giving. I highly doubt that your boyfriend gave you that gift wanting something as impressive in return. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to spend those two weeks with you traveling to wonderful new places together.

But I understand how you feel. And I’m pretty sure your boyfriend has an idea too. Although you’ve only known each other for a month, I’m sure he’s aware of your financial situation. Maybe he doesn’t have exact figures in mind, but I’m sure he has an idea that you’re not exactly burning money in the fireplace on cold wintry nights. So I doubt that he’s expecting any extravagant gift on your part. Besides, “repaying” a gift doesn’t have to be literal. You can return his kindness in non-material stuff like doing him favors, or giving him a back massage when he’s tired, or helping him out with a project, or helping him clean his room, or helping him walk his dogs. I don’t know what he’s into, but I’m sure you’ll find other ways of showing him how much you appreciate his generosity.

You’re not over-thinking things, I completely understand how you feel. I know the frustration of receiving something you’re incapable of giving back in return. But don’t sweat it. Love loves to give. Sometimes the enjoyment your loved one gets from your gift is reward enough.

DELAMAR SAYS… If it makes you uncomfortable then set ground rules regarding money matters with your boyfriend. Let him know if you want to pay for your own way on vacations, meals, etc. In my opinion, you are over-thinking things. You feeling guilty about accepting what seems to be a gift shows your own attitude regarding money. If you were dating someone poorer than you, you’d understand and make adjustments probably with no questions asked. You’d probably scale down expectations regarding gifts you might expect and all matters pertaining to money. Certainly, it is the same when you date someone richer than you. You’d have to adjust expectations as well. Those are two sides of the same coin. I guess it will take some getting used to as you are dating someone so much more well-off than you.

Yes, you are reacting like a true middle class. We from the middle class like to work hard for what we have. We like to pay for our own way. We take pride in being able to afford whatever we can because it stands for something − our hardwork. People born with money don’t have the same attitude towards money as we do. I’m not saying they don’t work hard. Maybe they do. They just don’t feel guilty about the money and privileges they were born into. Why would they?

This all boils down to understanding where each other comes from. He has to understand your approach to money and how uncomfortable you feel with such lavish gifts. And you have to understand that maybe to him the gift wasn’t lavish at all! Talk about money. Settle the matter so that you can both get back to the more important matter − enjoying being with each other.

GINO SAYS… What you’re feeling right now is completely normal, I think. But what your friends say is also true, don’t feel guilty because you were asked to join. It’s not like you forced yourself into that trip. Maybe you can take them out to dinner as a family. I imagine that they would like that, sort of as a thank you for letting you tag along. I guess the thing you have to remember the most is to always be thankful. Just because it happens constantly and consistently, you shouldn’t let it get you to be used to it to the point of not saying thank you anymore. Even for the little things like dinner out or what not, express your gratitude.

There are many ways to thank them for the trip, dinner is only one of them. Maybe you can also get them a trinket for their house or something to that effect. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to be well thought of.

Leave it between the two of you

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Last year was my first year in college, and since I live so far away from school, my parents and I decided that it would be better for me to stay in a dorm. I was afraid at first, but it turned out to be a fun experience in the end.

The only negative about it was my roommate Tessa. She literally did not talk to me for the entirety of the school year. We had different schedules, so we didn’t always see each other awake, but the times where we’ve both been together, I’ve greeted her and tried to start a conversation with her but she never responds. I just stopped talking to her halfway through the year.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, when I go on a double date with my boyfriend and his best friend’s new girlfriend, who turns out to be Tessa. And guess what, now she talks to me! I was so thrown off that I didn’t ask her about the change in her attitude. When I brought it up with her on Facebook — she’s never befriended me — she acted like we had only just met a couple of weeks ago and our time as roommates never happened.

This is unusual behavior, right? Should I tell my boyfriend’s best friend about this? Or should I just let it go and play along with her? -Lia

CHICO SAYS… Technically, this is between you and her. Whether she chooses to reveal her strange reaction to you or not is totally her call. I’m sure there’s a reason. I can assume a couple. Maybe she’s socially inept and doesn’t really know how to react to people. Not seeing each other awake often maybe made her awkward seeing you with eyes open and conscious. Maybe she doesn’t really like you, which isn’t necessarily a point against her. Sometimes we just don’t jive with a person and that’s that. Then suddenly, being in the same surprised shoes as you were, realizing your boyfriends were best friends, maybe she realized she had no choice but to be social with you. And whatever her reasons were for not talking to you may still be there, but temporarily lifted when in the presence of your boyfriends. Should you tell your boyfriend’s best friend? I see no reason why you should. You could tell your boyfriend if you want, but essentially the issues remain between you two women. It’s good that you brought it up on Facebook, but since she dedmatized you, I suggest you leave it. She obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. And you can’t really force her. You’ve done your part, let her step up to the plate. If she talks to you then talk to her back. If she ignores you then do the same. Quid pro quo seems to be the fair approach.

DELAMAR SAYS… That really is weird behavior. And it kind of gets your goat why she did that. Nevertheless, I don’t think your boyfriend’s best friend will break up with Tessa just for being aloof to you back then. You could tell your boyfriend about it just for him to know. But telling his best friend? What would be the point? What do you hope to achieve by doing so? It might add tension to the group’s dynamics. So, if you do tell just be sure you know the objective of doing so. If ever there was a person you really should bring it up with, it’s Tessa. Why don’t you just ask her why she never spoke to you back then. Not as panunumbat but more of just to know why she behaved like that with you. Maybe she’ll come clean, maybe she won’t. But at least you gave her a chance to explain. I know it’s hard because there is an expectation for you and Tessa to get along just because your boyfriends are best friends. But if it doesn’t happen then, it doesn’t happen. It would be great if you did. But friendships can never be forced. Either you are or you aren’t. So don’t even succumb to the pressure of needing to be buddy-buddies just because your boyfriends are.

Bring it up with her if you feel the need to. Or if it’s really bugging you. Otherwise, just let it go. Just as you can’t explain why you click so well with some people you also cannot explain why you don’t with others. Her strange behavior towards you says something about her character more than it says anything about you.

GINO SAYS… That is pretty darn weird. I guess you can tell your boyfriend about it, but I don’t think your boyfriend or you should tell your friend about it, it might just ruin whatever relationship your roommate has with your friend. Some people just find it difficult to connect with other people. Give her the benefit of the doubt? Maybe she doesn’t mean to be a snob of anything like that, maybe she just finds it difficult to get to know people.

Unless she does something bad to you other than indifference, then you really have no real reason to get into it. Besides, if you think about it, at the end of the day it’s always her decision to choose who she becomes friends with. It might hurt you since you’re roommates but just give her a chance first. Maybe you can casually ask her about it when you’re in the privacy of your own room.

Tell the truth

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… I just graduated recently, and while I’m thankful that I already have a job offer, my heart is really set on pursuing a master’s degree abroad. However, my parents can’t afford to finance it, so I’ve applied for scholarships in schools abroad.

I’ve recently been accepted into a program, but only on a partial scholarship. My boyfriend, who is older than me and who my parents don’t know about, is willing to help me finance my education.

I’m really tempted to lie to my parents and tell them that I have a job offer abroad that I really want to pursue. I really plan on taking a job abroad while pursuing my studies, so I can remit some money to my parents and make the lie believable. I really do not want to tell my parents about my boyfriend and the fact that he’ll be paying my tuition.

I feel like I can get away with it, but my best friend − the only person I’ve told about my plan − thinks I’m crazy. Do you guys think I should just come clean to my parents? – Angela

CHICO SAYS… Regardless of the situation, whether it’s about your career or your love life, creating a web of lies will only needlessly complicate any person’s already complicated life. Do you actually think you can indefinitely sustain such a large lie? The case usually is, a lie begets many other lies, until you are swamped with a network of unmanageable lies, a monster you created that will wreak havoc on your life. Sure, you can probably get away with it the first few years. But do you really think you can keep from your parents the fact that one, you have a boyfriend, and two, he is the one helping finance your studies? Most people tell lies thinking they will never be found out. But most, when exposed eventually, rue the day they ever started the lie in the first place. Do yourself a HUGE favor and don’t push that snowball down the slope that could potentially be a destructive avalanche. This is a tragicomedy waiting to unfold. The future you will be thanking you for this display of prudence.

DELAMAR SAYS… Lie begets more lies. More lies require a sharp memory to keep track of what you lied about. In other words, lying is very high maintenance. You already lied (by omission) to your parents regarding your boyfriend − about having one and that he is much older than you. Now you are forced to lie again so you can cover up the fact that your boyfriend will send you to school. And you even plan to take a job to make the lie more believable. How tiring! It’s also very hurtful to your parents that you have to lie about the important issues of your life. Imagine if something happens to you (heaven forbid!) and they know nothing of the real situation that you put yourself into. It will be very hurtful to find out that their child lied to them. And that they were deprived of being able to give their opinion on the whole matter. They deserve the right to react in any way to the decisions you’ve made. You don’t have to follow everything they say. You’re old enough to make life decisions but you do have to hear what your parents have to say about it.

My advice: tell the truth. This is too major an event in your life to lie about. It’s better that your parents know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Deal with your loved ones with honesty. Whether they like it or not, they need to deal with the reality of the truth. They need to accept that you have a boyfriend. They need to accept that he’s older. They need to accept that he will be helping you pay your tuition abroad. They need to know the truth and accept it and live with it. Lying just brings more hurt. Lying destroys trust. Lying is very tiring to keep up.

You’re about to embark on such a major journey − the literal one because you’re going abroad and the journey of your foreign education. It is best to start it right and you can do that by telling your parents the truth. Lying is pointless if you are confident of your decisions. At the end of it all, you will reap the benefits of it and you live with the consequences too. So, why lie?

GINO SAYS…While your cause is noble, lying about it doesn’t make it any better. Trust me when I say that eventually your lie will catch up on you and it’ll only hurt your parents.

How about try talking to your parents about it? Come clean and just say that you really want it. On a side note though, I think that you should at least try to work a few more years and pay for your tuition on your own. I know that it means a lot to you and it’s really noble of your boyfriend to offer to pay for it, but I’m sure it’s no small sum and I wouldn’t be too comfortable having someone else pay that for me.

I know that the masters is important to you but just my two cents worth on it; I’d feel so much more comfortable paying for it on my own rather than having to owe someone for it.

Make a decision that you can live with

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My husband and I are planning to work overseas for higher wages of course. But we have two kids, aged 5 and 3, who I think are too young to be left without our personal guidance. My husband is aware of my uncertainties and this will only start a quarrel if we talk about these. He will insist that I am just being idealistic.

Now, we have just enough to cover our monthly utilities and expenses. Though I have my parents to take care of my children, I don’t think I will be at peace if anything happens to them. My husband thinks that if we both work abroad, our double income will cut the time we will spend away from our children. Between the two of us, I will also get a better-paying job because I am a licensed professional here.

We are very much aware of the “horror” stories of some OFWs and their families. He says technology will make it easier to communicate constantly with the kids. He’s actually desperate to leave, blinded by the money we would earn abroad. We started a sari-sari store two years ago which closed after only 10 months, because it didn’t earn “big” enough, he said. He has no patience for slow growth. I can’t blame him for pursuing a higher source of income since he did not grow up in a well-off family. He was able to finish high school and college only because his relatives paid for his education. Sometimes, I bet in the lottery, and I’m thinking that if I win the jackpot, I’ll give him a lot of money (since this will make him happy) and then leave him. I hope that would make him realize that not everything in this world is about material things.

How can I make him understand that to be able to be content, we should not look at the people “above” us? I know it’s not correct to insist that he should adapt my beliefs and values toward money but it’s very difficult for me to change what I believe is better for all of us. I love my husband and children very much, I want to be an obedient wife and a doting mother to our children, But how? – Confused Mama

CHICO SAYS… I totally agree with your viewpoint, but like you also pointed out, this option is if you have the luxury of choice. Many OFWs feel they don’t have a choice but to work abroad to keep their families afloat. But my belief is, you ALWAYS have a choice. Some choices are harder than others, but short of someone making you do something against your will, you ALWAYS have a choice. In my humble, uninformed opinion, since I cannot claim to know how it is to make this decision under dire financial constraints, I cannot imagine losing all those years away from my hypothetical children. Those years, that time together, can never be brought back.

Given what you’ve told us, I’d probably argue that at least one parent should stay with the kids. Unless you literally can’t put food on the table, there’s always the option for one of you to stay with the kids. True, the alleviation of your money woes may drag on longer, but parenting isn’t only about the material provisions. They need other things that money cannot provide. But like I said, you guys would know best when it comes to your kids. My only advice is to make the decision mutual. Talk about it, thresh everything out. Don’t just agree to what the other one says. You have to both agree on your plan of action, so that in case things don’t turn out for the better, you avoid the requisite finger pointing. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision here, just A decision, one that you’ll just have to live with once you’ve made it.

DELAMAR SAYS… You are a wife. And part of being a wife and partner to your husband is being able to talk things out with him. You have to voice your concerns because you are 50 percent responsible for your family. You have ideas on how to take care of them so you need to speak up and be able to direct your lives where you see fit. Yes, money is important. It is what helps us provide the things for our children and ourselves − food, shelter, education, etc. But being able to raise your children well is also important. That almost never happens when you’re not around to do it in the first place. It’s easier if your family can help you raise them. Your parents can raise their grandchildren but that will not be exactly how you want it. And even if they do raise them the way you like, your children would have that (grand)parental bond with them, not you. And you’ll miss out on raising your own children.

I’m writing from the point of view of a mother. So the advice I want to give you is to KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER. By that, I don’t just mean the kids but your husband as well. The family works better with him around. I know you fantasize that you will give your lotto winnings to him and you’ll leave him but the truth is having a father around is still better than none. The mothers, the women usually are the glue that keeps everybody together. It is a difficult job but this is our role. We have to be good wives and good mothers. We have to keep our husbands happy and we have to raise our children well. Your husband is your ally. He shouldn’t be your enemy. You are both partners in making money AND raising happy children who will thrive in the world. You’re not at the point where you have to choose between your husband or your children. Don’t push it towards that direction because that will mean you will break your family apart. That should be the very last resort you entertain.

For now, your concern is how to convince your husband that you both leaving the children to work abroad is not the best thing you can do for your family. You have to be able to lay down all the possible options in front of you. Should one of you stay to take care of the children? Should you take your children with you? Maybe you should take short contracts that allow you to come home every couple of months. Show him that your children need their parents as much as they need money. Tell him that raising your children is important to you as a mother and as a wife. Tell him you want to have a family that is together. Tell him the possible consequences of leaving your children in the care of people other than their parents. But you also have to acknowledge that your husband is correct for wanting to earn more for the family. He is also doing this for your family. Never belittle that. He just needs to obsess less about finances and look at the bigger picture. This is one of those times that you have to convince him to find a middle ground between earning more and being a present parent. Parenting is like an investment. You won’t see the returns or losses until many years later. When you’re old and gray then you’ll be able to see the good and the mistakes you’ve done.

For you, you also need to know that if you are apart from your husband for a long period of time there is a possibility that something will come between you. Long distances create a vacuum and some men cannot handle not having a woman beside them. I’m not saying your husband will cheat. I’m saying that long distances make it even harder to make a marriage work.

Your problem is not an easy one. Something will have to give. Either you earn more but be away from your children or keep the family together but always having to make ends meet. The best thing that you can do is to make sure that you talk about this huge decision you’re about to make with your husband so that you can choose wisely and make a decision that you can go into with eyes wide open.

Follow your own dreams

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… I am currently finishing my masters with the intention of pursuing a doctorate degree. I would really love to finish my Ph.D. in the same country where I am right now, England. This will take another three years and I already spent four years doing a dual masters degree. My problem is that I feel the pressure of going back home. I am nearing my 30s and my parents worry that I’ll never get married. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want to get married. Lately, through conversations, I feel that my parents are sad.

Another problem is our family business. My parents are considering closing the business since no one wants to take over. I feel guilty because many employees are going to lose their job. I feel that I should just go home, get married and take over the family business. My parents are still working and they are in their retiring age. I don’t want them to work anymore but I also want to do what I want. This is all so hard because they never directly ask me to stop doing what I want. They also tell me that they are happy when they see me happy.

I feel selfish about pursuing my dreams. When I asked my mom directly if I should go home, she said that I will resent her if she tells me what to do. But sometimes, I wish they would tell me what to do so that I don’t feel guilty all the time. What should I do? – L

CHICO SAYS… I don’t know how crucial getting higher studies is to your chosen career path, because I know that although it’s essential for some, for others it’s a delaying tactic, for lack of something else to do. Which one are you? Remember, your family’s business was their choice, not yours. It would be great if you found your calling in that business, but if not, it would be unfair to burden you with carrying on their dreams instead of your own.

But what exactly is it that you want? The way you sound to me, is someone who hasn’t exactly figured it out yet. You saying you wish your parents told you what to do is a sign that you’re not really gung-ho on anything right now. Have you thought of giving the business a try? Who knows, you might find yourself flourishing there. And in case it doesn’t pan out, at least you can tell your folks you gave it a try. Of course, you have every right to follow your own dreams. I’m just saying you might not have found that dream yet. In the meantime, trying out the business might help you figure it out.

GINO SAYS… I know it may seem selfish, but your folks are right. (On a side note, you should be thankful that your folks are so understanding, not everyone is as lucky as you are in this department). Looking into the future, eventually you’re the one that has to live with the decisions you make. Pursue what you want to pursue because it’s your life to live. Should you give in to their desires out of guilt, you WILL end up resenting them. And when they’re long gone, you’re the one that’s stuck with a business that you didn’t want to run in the first place and you’ll always think to yourself, “What if I did what I wanted to do?” “What if I didn’t do what my parents wanted me to do?”

With how your parents are reacting to all of this, I’m pretty sure they understand. I know it feels wrong, but sometimes as hard as it may seem, you have to look out for yourself. That’s just how it is.

‘Paranoia Will Only Make Things Worse’

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… When Gerald and I got together, he was very upfront about his past.  He’s had a lot of girlfriends back in high school, which I don’t really find surprising since he’s very handsome.  Even now, in college, I notice so many of my classmates checking him out.

My problem is that he doesn’t do anything to stop these women from checking him out.  He’s in a relationship with me now, isn’t it a given that he discourage these other people?

I’ve checked his text messages when he’s not looking, and while I haven’t found any evidence of him cheating on me, I feel like it’s only a matter of time.  My friends, on the other hand, tell me I’m being crazy.  Am I?  What should I do? – Name withheld

CHICO SAYS… Yup, you sound like you sipped too many crazy margaritas from the clingy girlfriend bar.  First off, I would understand if he kept flirting with the girls and initiating contact with them.  But, like you said, it’s the girls who keep looking his way.  So how exactly does he stop women from checking him out?  If a stray lady shoots him a look, is he supposed to say: “Look lady, this hot piece of meat is already sizzling on somebody else’s grill.”  He might come off as either a paranoid prick or a guy who’s GGSS (guwapong-guwapo sa sarili).  And even after invading his privacy by reading his messages, and finding nothing, you’re already crucifying him for possibly imagined future crimes.  In your own words, “I feel like it’s only a matter of time.”  I just hope this doesn’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They say loving someone is like holding a bird in your hand.  Just hold loose enough for the bird to breathe, but tight enough not to let it fly away.  So my advice?  Stop holding this bird too tight.  Find just the right pressure and you’ll have a happy bird in your hand.

DELAMAR SAYS… Look, your boyfriend CANNOT stop other girls from checking him out.  That’s beyond his control.  As long as he doesn’t engage them, there shouldn’t be a problem.  But really, come on.  If you think about it why would he stop other girls from checking him out?  That’s one of the perks of being good looking.  It’s nice to be checked out.  It’s flattering and it makes you feel good.  Don’t you feel the same when guys check YOU out even if you already have a boyfriend?  You don’t think of cheating on your boyfriend when guys check you out, right?  Well, it’s probably the same for your boyfriend.

Worrying about your boyfriend cheating on you is like shadowboxing.  Since you didn’t find any evidence of wrongdoing, you’ll just get tired of fighting an imaginary phantom.  There’s no sense in anticipating cheating.  People will cheat if they will cheat.  There’s nothing you can do to stop them since you can’t watch them 24/7.  Anticipating an infidelity that might never even happen robs you of your happiness today.  Life has no guarantees.  Bad things happen.  So do good things.  They will happen with or withour our consent.  So loosen your proverbial grip.  Jealousy, in my opinion, is one of the yuckiest feelings EVER.  Resist it, especially if there’s no evidence of it!  Choose to be happy.  Choose to trust.  You’ll be happier for it.

GINO SAYS… I think I’m going to have to agree with your friends on this one.

How exactly do you expect him to stop people from checking him out?  Would you want him to purposely make himself look ugly or unattractive so other people won’t look at him? I think you’re asking a little too much from him.  Also, your checking his phone just goes to show how paranoid you’re becoming.  Believe me when I say that paranoia will only make things worse, especially if he finds out  that you’re being that way.

You should even commend him for not doing anything about all the attention he’s getting.  It only goes to show how loyal he is to you.  Stop making things up in your head because it’ll only make things worse.  Instead, be proud that you landed a fine boyfriend who isn’t cheating on you despite the many opportunities or options he has to do so.

It may be right to break up with him

DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Recently, I just broke up with my boyfriend, so it’s more correct to call him, an ex. We were together for five months, but I decided to call it quits because the very reason for our arguments two or three months ago kept on resurfacing.

You see, we were just going on our third month when he started mentioning about starting a “family” even if it means that marriage will just follow soon. Honestly, I was hurt because I’d like him to marry me first before we think of having a baby and starting a family. Even if he kept on repeating it, I tried to be composed about it. Before we had a big fight about it and he said he will never do it again. He even said that the next time he insisted, he will be the one to break up with me.

Unfortunately, just last February, it happened again. I was trying to explain the consequences of what will happen, especially with us resigning both from our jobs. Of course, it’s hard to do something unprepared. He insisted that it will be a fruit of love. That was my breaking point, because he said he will just sleep since I am not agreeing with him, anyway. He apologized again and said that he did not know why he said that. I was really hurt and I decided to call it quits. How can he insist that when he really had no concrete plans about us? I’m just so afraid because I know we are not both ready yet.

I know I also hurt him by calling it quits. But I did it for the best, hopefully. Sometimes though, I feel sad. Why does it have to be that way, because I really trusted in him, but it all turned out otherwise? I really hope you can give me an unbiased advice and point of view about this. Thank you very much. – Nelie

CHICO SAYS… What bothers me is the insistence of your ex to start a family before considering marriage. I can understand if it were by accident, and you decide to start a family minus the marriage. But to plan a child out of wedlock is unorthodox, to say the very least. I know of couple who don’t believe in marriage, that’s why they avoid it. But in your case he seems the marrying kind, just not now. But in my opinion, if you’re not ready for marriage, why the rush to have a family? Again, I would understand if it were a matter of a philosophical standpoint against marriage, but he seems to just stem from not wanting to be tied down, or to put it more crassly, from keeping a way out, an escape plan. I think going your separate ways is the wise decision at this point. You should be on the same page when it comes to marriage and kids. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but for sure it’ll be an uphill climb.

DELAMAR SAYS… You know what you want. You should stick to that. You want to get married first, of course. If he really loves you and if he really wants to start a family then he would have proposed marriage. Why not make it official and have the family AFTER the wedding? To me, it is very suspicious that he would just want to have the baby first. There is something not right here.

First of all, how does he know that he’s ready for marriage and family after only five months of being together with you?

Second, have you both been having sex? It would make sense for him to say he wants to have a baby with you first then marriage later if what he really just wants is for you both to start having sex. He might think that promising marriage after sex might be the best way to get you in bed. In that case, he’s lying. He might just want to have sex and not really to start a family. AGAIN, if family is really what he wants to have with you then he would have married you already. Not just have a baby together. Lastly, if you say and know you’re not ready for marriage then DON’T GET MARRIED. You, of all people, would know if you’re up to it or not. And you’re not. You know that. Sometimes people ‘think’ they’re ready and they’re not and they get married and they are miserable. But you, you already know it isn’t time yet. You should listen to that.

Bottom line, there is something this guy isn’t being up front about. Something is left unexplained and unsaid. To me, it sounds like he’s only thinking of himself and what he wants. Assuming he really does want to start a family first before marrying you, well that is only good for him. You will be the one taking all the risks. How sure are you he’ll really marry you after he gets you pregnant? Parenting is a task of a lifetime so please don’t take it lightly. It really seems what he want is only to take care of himself, not you. It doesn’t sound like he has your interest in mind. You are right to not want to have a child out of wedlock. Most of all, you are right not to want to start a family if you know you’re not ready. And if I’m being totally honest about my opinion, I think you might be right to break up with him, too.

GINO SAYS… I think that sometimes you find people you’re really attracted to and that you really fall in love with but sometimes you really just don’t end up going towards the same path. Of course, this is sad and you feel like it’s unfair but sometimes that’s just how life is.

You can apply this to other facets of life as well, like why a guy you like doesn’t like you back or something to that effect. I’m sure you’ve seen Hollywood movies where the couples don’t end up together no matter how into each other they are. I’d like to think that it’s for a better purpose and that it’s because were meant for someone or something else.

I know it’s difficult but you just have to trust what life has in store for you.


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