DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… James and I have never been particularly close, but I never knew he actually hated me until recently.
A common friend of ours is having a party to celebrate his engagement, and he put up a Facebook event page inviting most of us. I accepted the invitation, since a lot of my friends from college will be going and I haven’t seen them in a while.
Imagine my surprise when James messaged me on Facebook telling me not to go because he’d rather not go to the party if I’m going to be there, because, I quote: ” I really, really hate you.” Like I said, I know we’ve never been close, but I’ve never hated him and I didn’t think he hated me either.
I will definitely still be going to the party, but how do I answer his message? Should I confront him? Message him and say I think his Facebook got hacked? Do I even have to reply? -DJ
CHICO SAYS… If I were in your shoes, I’d like to get to the bottom of things. If he were a complete stranger, then I’d understand. But even if you were never close, I’d still like to think you’re friends. True, it could be a hacked message thing. So if I were in your shoes, I would ask him if the message is legit. Because it sounds fishy. You don’t just tell someone you hate them without even explaining why. I suspect something’s not what it seems. But in case it is legit, and he does hate you, wouldn’t you like to know why? Like I said, if he were some random internet troll, I wouldn’t bother. But if he is somehow in my circle of friends, I’d like to know if I did something wrong, so I could apologize. And in case it’s just a matter of misunderstanding, then I’d like to clear myself of the undeserved hate. And as for the party, I agree that you should still go. This isn’t about him, it’s about your friend’s engagement. You were invited by your common friend, so he doesn’t have a right to uninvite you. If he has a problem with you being there, then let him not attend. If you tell someone you hate them, you owe them at least to say why.
DELAMAR SAYS… First of all, it’s not James’ party. It’s your friend’s. James has no say on who could attend or not. Second, the celebrant invited YOU. That means he wants you at his party. To put it plainly, it’s James’ problem and ultimately his decision if he doesn’t want to go because you’re going. That has no bearing on you. If you want to go, you should. James will just have to deal with it. If he says he won’t go if you’re there then so be it. So, my advice? Go to the party.
As for dealing with this newly acquired information that James has hated you from before, here’s my advice: first of all, James is not ready to deal with this issue maturely. Proof of this was the way he told you. It’s so immature! It’s the if-you’re-going-I’m-not-going approach. I mean, what are you eight year-olds? Plus, why is he riding your friend’s special day? If he’s got an issue with you then he should settle that with you on his own. He shouldn’t use your common friend’s engagement party as collateral damage. Also, how immature is he to tell you he hates you but never proceeded to tell you why? Obviously, he just wanted to hurt you. He’s not at all interested in hashing things out. This guy is only interested in wounding you. If that’s his state then he’s not ready to really address the issue.
Here’s my recommended reply to James: “I’m sorry to hear you hate me. I really don’t know why you do. And I’m surprised to hear this now actually. However, this is our friend’s party. It’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s about our friend’s engagement. And he wants us both there. So, I’m going to the party.”
Let this friend stew in his own soup. His own hatred is a burden to himself. All this time he’s been carrying that awful weight of hating someone. So leave him to sort his own hatred and when he’s ready to deal with it maturely then it’s up to you if you even want to hear about it.
GINO SAYS… If you’re actually concerned about saving whatever “friendship” you guys have, you can always message him back. Basically, just ask him what’s up with that message? Ask him straight out. That way he’ll give you a straight up answer as well. Without a doubt, you should still go to the party since it’s not his party anyway. If he doesn’t reply to your Facebook message, I guess you can just see how he’s like towards you on the day of the party itself. See if there’s a certain animosity whenever you see each other. No need to confront him on the day itself if you’re asking me since you might end up causing a commotion in someone else’s party and obviously that’s something you want to avoid. However, if he does end up replying, at least you’ll find out where all this hate is coming from and then you might be able to come up with a resolution for it.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My mother and I have always had a very close relationship, and I have always felt comfortable telling her what goes on in my life. She’s always been supportive of me, which is why I was a little hurt by her reaction when I told her that I had started being sexually active.
It’s not like it was a decision I made easily. I thought long and hard about it, and I did it with a guy I’m in a relationship with and whom I love. I made sure that we both wanted to do this. We’ve been together for a year now, and we use protection all the time.
When I talked to my mother about it, she was already shouting at me before I finished telling my story. She made me feel really bad about the decision that I made. It’s not like I expected her to congratulate me for having sex, but I didn’t expect to be made to feel like a horrible person either, especially since I thought we were closer than that.
Right now, my mother and I are not talking to each other, and it is a very tense situation whenever we are in a room together. At least, it doesn’t seem like she’s told my father about it yet. Despite this, I no longer feel comfortable telling her anything about my life. Was I being naive to expect her to have a different reaction to my story? Do you guys think there’s any hope for me to trust her again? Because now I feel like I can’t ever do it again. – Rose
CHICO SAYS… Don’t be so harsh on your mom, she is still your mother, despite the coolness she would like to project. I think it was her panic that did the shouting, not her. When a parent discovers her baby is now dabbling in that big bogeyman called sex, it can’t be easy, no matter how progressive they claim to be. Even parents who downplay their reactions still panic a little, but they just hide it better. The bias with which we view sex is understandable, since it can lead to pregnancy or disease, but the extent of the bias varies, depending on the individual’s moral compass. Besides, even kids don’t like hearing about their parents’ sex life, only for very different reasons. I’m sure even you would freak out a bit if your mom started telling you about her sexcapades with your dad. We just find it gross, but for them, it’s a sign that you have now opened yourself to an activity that could have life-changing consequences, and yes, some of them dire. So let the panic blow over, and hopefully your mom can regain her composure. Understand her position, because she just probably freaked out at the idea that you’re playing with fire. Parents balk at any “dangerous” activity their beloved offspring may engage in, be it bungee jumping, mountain climbing, shark wrestling, or sex.
DELAMAR SAYS… Yes, you were naive to think that she is your friend. She’s not. She’s your mother. No matter how close you both are, the topic of sex and if you’re having it already will ALWAYS be difficult to accept for any parent. Yes, there are parents who are okay with knowing their children’s sex lives. But they are a very RARE breed. You are her child. Her daughter. She carried you in her womb. She gave birth to you. You were her baby. In her eyes, you are and will always be a child. She will see you as a grown-up lady physically but deep down in her very core, she will believe that you are a kid. Not because she doesn’t trust you. But her job has always been to take care of you and protect you from harm.
Let’s face it, sex can do a lot of harm to anyone, especially to a girl. You could get pregnant. You can catch a sexually transmitted disease. You can get used by a guy who will tell you he loves you just to sleep with you and then leave you when he’s done with you. She’s afraid of all these things for you. And the truth is that she cannot do anything to protect you because sex is something you’ll have to figure out, maneuver, and survive by yourself as an adult. Her anger is meant to stop you from having sex. She wants you to stop so you won’t be in any danger of being hurt. That’s what her anger is all about. Beneath that is her love for you.
Nevertheless, you are an adult. Sex is a part of your life now. Whether you decide to abstain or partake of it every chance you get, it’ll be you who will decide what to do, how to feel, and what to think of sex. That is part of your life’s work. Sex is a big deal. Why else would your mother react so violently?
Don’t share anything about your sex life anymore. I think it’s safe to assume that that is the limit of your sharing with her. You just learned about the boundary of your mother-daughter relationship. But don’t think that she is a bad mother. She’s also just learning how to be a mother to a sexually active daughter. And that is not easy to handle. You’ll realize that when you have a daughter of your own someday. For now, respect your boundaries with her. Give her time to adjust and accept who you are now. This episode in your life does not negate all the years that you and you mother have gone through. Just because you are at odds at the moment does not mean you’ll never be close again. It just means that you both are learning the limits of your relationship as a mother and a daughter. Give it time. Everything will be okay.
GINO SAYS… I know it might be wrong but I’m a firm believer of not telling your parents everything. There are just some things that are better left unsaid when it comes to your folks and I think that being sexually active tops off that list. I honestly think that this is one of those things that they should just come to terms with on their own. Eventually, they’ll just sort of figure it out for themselves. You have to admit that this is difficult for any parent to grasp, you’re their child. You’re their baby. I think the thought of someone sleeping with you is just not something that’s easily swallowed regardless of how open you are with your parents.
Thankfully though, unconditional love comes with being a parent so I’m pretty sure that in time your mom will slowly come to terms with the fact that you are sexually active. I don’t think you should talk to her about it anymore though. It’s a lot like how some kids will have vices like smoking or drinking. The parents know about it, but it’s just not done in front of them as some form of respect. Your mom will let it go eventually, just hang in there. Oh and stay protected and all. I think more than anything that’s probably one of your folks’ greatest fears.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My group and I (consisting of five) have been together since freshman year. We lived in one boarding house and had also been schoolmates in high school so we had no problem getting along with each other.
Before our freshman year ended, one of our friends got pregnant. We were never really supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend because we felt that he wasn’t responsible enough. Plus, he constantly cheated on her. Still, we didn’t interfere with her decision to be in that kind of relationship until she got pregnant.
Since the baby was already there, we just supported her. We comforted her during the time she couldn’t break the news to her mother, and even accompanied her when she was about to tell it to her. We thought everything was okay after that.
But one day, her mom went to our boarding house and scolded us for being a bad influence to her daughter. She blamed us for what happened to her. Clearly, she thought that it was our fault that she got into that kind of situation.
We told her mother that we didn’t had anything to do with her daughter’s decision to be with that guy. And definitely, we didn’t encourage her to get herself pregnant. What totally disappointed us was when our friend told us to just ignore the hurtful things that her mom said. She admitted that that was what she told her mom just so she wouldn’t scold her boyfriend. She said that it was okay for her that we take the blame instead.
We didn’t know how to react at that moment. Eventually, our friendship with her got ruined. We felt betrayed. She stopped going to school and the four of us already graduated from college.
Up to now, we’re not yet in good terms with her. But its been three years already and for friendship’s sake, I’m planning to talk to her and fix everything between our group. I just don’t know how to start it because she never apologized to us. Do you have any advice on how to patch things up with her? – Grace
DELAMAR SAYS… Don’t speak for the whole group. That’s my first advice. Only speak for how you felt about what she did years ago. Don’t be the spokesperson because she’ll feel ganged up on. She’ll feel she’s being attacked by the whole barkada. And she will be defensive and won’t hear what you have to say. Besides, let the others do their own part in the healing process. All of you need to heal individually for this to be okay again…if it can really be okay again.
So just speak for yourself − how you felt betrayed by her and how she let you take the blame in her mother’s eyes so she can let her boyfriend have it easy. Tell her how it felt as her friend. Don’t expect her to ask forgiveness. Don’t expect her to realize that what she did was wrong. Don’t have any expectation of how she will react. The only thing you have control over is what you have to say to her, how hurt you were by what she did. That’s all. Because if you expect her to behave a certain way and she doesn’t do that, you will end up fighting and making things worse. If you expect her to be repentant and what you get is the opposite, then a reconciliation will be harder to achieve. Talk to her with no expectation but with an open heart. Hopefully, you also get the message across that you miss her.
Let’s face it, the fact that you want to go back and set things straight is because you miss your friend. That’s the part that you didn’t write in your letter but is loud and clear. So yeah, talk to her about how it felt for you. Tell her that you miss her, you miss the barkada together. As a friend, your only obligation is to reach out. Your only hope is that she reaches back so that you can get back to being friends.
GINO SAYS… Honestly, I have to say that you’re pretty noble to still want to patch things up with her considering it’s her fault and that no apologies came from her side. In my opinion, I wouldn’t even bother since you had absolutely no fault in it. Had she apologized for it, then I would’ve understood given her situation. But you initiating the patching up of things is pretty noble indeed.
I do understand you not wanting to hold any grudges though, but seeing as I’m kind of pissed off for you about what she did, I think I would just be honest with her. Tell her what she did wrong and that it was inexcusable despite her situation. Tell her what exactly pissed you off and what’s been bothering you and hindering you from patching things up all these years. Friends aren’t supposed to do that to other friends. If she accepts this and realizes that she did do something wrong, then I think things will go pretty smoothly. But if she doesn’t accept this, then I’d think twice about being friends with her again. Hopefully, she’ll see the error of her ways.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… I know that I’m not the most attractive guy around. I’m a little overweight and I’m a huge nerd to boot, so I’ve kind of come to terms that a relationship may not be in the cards for me.
You can just imagine how surprised I was when a guy a year above me started being flirty with me, and not in secret either. He would do it in front of his friends, and I was really flattered. I thought that maybe somebody found me attractive after all.
As it turns out, it was too good to be true. A friend of mine overheard this guy making fun of me in front of his friends, and it suddenly made sense to me why he would flirt with me. I was really hurt, but I couldn’t find the strength to confront him.
He still continues to flirt with me, even if I no longer respond or try my best to not run into him. Part of me likes to think that maybe the reason he continues to flirt is because he really likes me, while the other, bigger part thinks it’s because he doesn’t know he’s already been found out. I’m not sure though if I want the flirting to stop, even if I know it’s a joke at my expense. What should I do? – Maurice
CHICO SAYS… It’s like a narcotic; you know it’s bad for you, but the moment gives you so much pleasure, no matter how false in nature, that you’d risk the hard and painful fall when you finally crash down from your temporary high. I wouldn’t advise this even for the masochist who possesses the lowest self-esteem. Even when the lie was exposed, you chose the lie over the truth. The lie was so sweet, so cruelly close to your most primal dream, that not even the truth could snatch it away from you. But it’s still a lie.
Is it possible that he actually likes you, and this public humiliation of you is his way of expressing his emotions without losing face? Yes. But I don’t want you hanging on to this sliver of a possibility. Most likely he’s just a douchebag who found out you liked him and took advantage of the situation. The truth is usually closer to the humdrum pains of everyday life. The Glee-ified scenarios are usually reserved for dreams during drunken bliss or Broadway musicals. And even if for the sake of argument that he does like you, would you want to be with a guy who would humiliate you in front of everyone just so he stays cool? You deserve better. But I have a sinking feeling I know your real answer to that question.
DELAMAR SAYS… At best, what you think you know is really hearsay evidence. Your friend heard him say it. It’s second-hand information. Your friend may not be lying but these things need to be clarified. You need to ask him if he really did say it and if he meant it. You said you’ve been avoiding this guy but a confrontation is really what you need to do. By confrontation, I don’t necessarily mean you have to fight or look for trouble. However, you need to hear the truth from the horse’s mouth. You need to look into his eyes and hear his answer when you ask him if he really is just making fun of you. Ask him pointblank if the attention he’s been giving you is just a game.
You can’t really do anything − whether to totally ignore him (if you could) or if you will entertain him − until you get your facts straight. So get them straight asap. Confront him and assess if he’s telling the truth or lying. Only then will you know what to do.
GINO SAYS… Hey first off, keep your head up. There’s nothing wrong with being a little bit overweight and in case you haven’t heard, nerd is the new jock.
Here’s the thing though, as much as I’m sure you’d like to believe that, sadly in my experience that only happens in movies. It isn’t like “She’s All That” where Freddie Prince Jr. makes a bet to go out with weirdo Rachel Leigh Cook then everything ends up happily ever after. Reality, sadly, is much much harsher than that. Personally, I think you should just let him be. Don’t mind him despite his constant attempts of flirting with you and most importantly, don’t let it get to you. I’m just scared that eventually you’ll give in to this and he would’ve gotten where he wanted you to be in the first place. Then it’ll leave you vulnerable and who knows how that will feel like.
It’s sad but there a lot of genuine d-bags out there in the world and as much as they’re to blame for what they do, whoever falls into their trap also fell in there because they allowed themselves. So don’t be a victim and just learn how to (in the words of Anne Curtis) learn the art of deadma.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Chris and I have been going out for a year now, and he’s a really sweet guy. He is in our college basketball team, already has his own business, and is a thoughtful and considerate guy.
These are all great qualities, which is why it makes me feel bad to write to you guys about my problem. See, Chris is a virgin, and in the year that we’ve been together, he hasn’t made any moves to change his status.
Whenever I would invite him to have sex, he always says that he doesn’t have a condom with him. When I bought the condoms myself and asked him to have sex, he refused. I asked him if it was because he’s waiting for marriage. He said no; that it was because he wanted it to be with the right person. I felt offended. We’ve been going out for a year now and he still doesn’t know if I’m the right one for him?
I’m thinking of breaking up with him, but my friends say that I shouldn’t just because he doesn’t want to have sex with me. They say it’s a shallow reason to break up with someone. Are they right? Should I stick around and hope that I’m the right one? Or am I justified if I decide to end this relationship? -Michelle
CHICO SAYS… You assume he’s telling the truth. A red-blooded male is usually a cocktail of hormones raring to have sex every chance possible. The fact that the proverbial palay is already tempting the proverbial cock, and he still refuses, is odd, to say the very least. Like I said, his reasons could be one of many. Maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s fervently religious but afraid to show it, maybe he’s got a tiny pecker, your guess is as good as mine.
But let’s say he is telling the truth, try not to take it personally. I agree, it stings that he doesn’t consider you as “the right person,” but what did you expect? Maybe he’s a very righteous person and would consider the right person the girl he would marry. And you guys seem way too young to be talking marriage. Don’t stress that you haven’t been anointed yet. Remember, that’s what being boyfriend-girlfriend is all about, to find out if the other person is the right one.
DELAMAR SAYS… This is not just about not having sex. He doesn’t think you’re the right one! The message was loud and clear. I think that pretty much negates everything you have together. We get into relationships because we think and we suspect that a person is the right one for us, whether we are proven right or wrong in the end. At least we start off thinking that they might be the right one for us. If he already knows you’re not that, then what is the point of staying committed?
Nothing is more alarming than a guy who won’t have sex with his girlfriend. Whether you believe in premarital sex or not, we can all agree that the urge to go horizontal is always there. You may not give into it but it’s there. Guys would even have sex with girls they don’t love. That’s how strong the urge is! If he was saving himself for marriage as a matter of belief, I’d understand. But he does believe in premarital sex. He just doesn’t believe in premarital sex with you because you’re not the right one. For me, that’s the dealbreaker and it is enough for me to break it off with him. He seems to already know you’re not the right one. So, what’s the point in staying in the relationship?
GINO SAYS… It’s quite difficult to say if there’s a correct decision to make in this scenario. I think more than anything, it’s really just a question of do you love him enough to be with him without the physical aspect of it. For some people they would just stick it out because of what they feel for the other person, but I also know that there are certain needs that must be fulfilled.
When he says he’s waiting for the right person though, that does get pretty offensive. Maybe you should talk to him about that. I mean, ask him if he thinks that this relationship is going anywhere because if he doesn’t think that you’re the right person to have sex with, then obviously it won’t go anywhere. Had he said that he didn’t think it was the right time or place, then that would’ve been understandable.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. If you can be with him without sex then good for you. If you can’t, at least I think it’s completely understandable.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Bea and I have been friends for a long time, and we tell each other everything. Usually, I always have something supportive to say. But when it comes to her current situation, I just can’t find something nice to say.
Bea has been going out with a guy from a different college, one whom she says already has a girlfriend. She told me that she’s been telling this guy to break up with his girlfriend but he refuses to do so. She’s convinced that it’s because the other girl has something on him.
I get the feeling that she doesn’t want advice from me. I think it’s wrong for her to go out with someone in a relationship. I told her as much about it and she told me I was being judgmental. Was I? What should I have done? What should I do when she brings up this topic back again? -Julie
CHICO SAYS… You know what, morality isn’t like mathematics where the rules are ironclad. If mathematics deals with stringent rules, where black is black and white is white, morality is more like 50 shades of grey, wherein what may be acceptable to one is objectionable to another. You both have a right to stick to your guns. Inasmuch as you cannot convince her of the error of her ways, she too cannot convince you of her innocence. Now, I’m not saying you stop being friends with each other. Friends don’t always have to share ALL convictions. There will be times when one will do something that the other will find hard to swallow. If being with someone who’s taken is unacceptable to you, then let it remain unacceptable to you. But if she decides it won’t stop her, then that’s her decision to make. It doesn’t make it any more acceptable, but she has the right to choose her own path, right or wrong. If she brings it up again, I guess you’ll just have to agree to disagree. It’s not being judgmental, it’s simply what you believe in.
DELAMAR SAYS… If you’ve already told her that you don’t think going out with a guy who already has a boyfriend is not right and you don’t agree with her choice to do so, then you’ve pretty much done your part. She knows how you feel about it but this is still her life and her choice. In the end, the consequences are all hers to bear too. It’s her heart she’s putting on the line. So as much as you don’t want your friend to make an obviously wrong choice in the end, it is still her decision. As her friend, your job is to be there in case the relationship goes awry.
The next time she unloads her relationship troubles, I think you should hear her out. Just let her talk but don’t have a conversation about it. Just let her say what she needs to say as all people in relationships, illicit or otherwise, need to do. Just be patient as she goes through the process. If she presses or forces you to say something then gently tell her that you’ve already said your piece about the guy and the relationship. She already knows how you feel about the guy. Say it gently and lovingly but clearly. Then bring the conversation somewhere else if she’s done venting. Hear her out but don’t engage since she’s not really looking for a conversation.
Your friend is wrong to be doing this. But that’s her process. You’re her friend and if you want to stay friends then you have to be able to accept that sometimes your friend will make wrong choices and it doesn’t mean that your friendship is over. If friendship means finding someone who will agree with us all the time then none of us will find friends. The true test of friendship is to go through the disagreement, the fighting and the changes and even the ‘tampuhan’ but keep each other at the end of the day, the week, the month, the years, the decades.
GINO SAYS… It’s never easy to tell a friend something that they don’t want to hear. I think you’ve already done your responsibility as a friend. You can only do so much since at the end of the day, it is really up to the person to make the decision. To quote the film “The Matrix,” “I can only show you the door, you’re the one that has to walk through it.”
Honestly, I don’t think you were being judgmental. Had any of my friends been in the same situation where they were dating a guy who had a girlfriend that they didn’t want to break up with, I’d tell them the exact same thing. The only reason the guy hasn’t broken up with the girl yet is because he doesn’t think it’s worth it. I mean face it, let’s say Georgina Wilson or Solenn Heussaff or Anne Curtis showed him the attention that your friend is giving him. I doubt he’d stay in an already unhappy relationship (I say this because the guy is already cheating on the girlfriend anyway, so I think this is a pretty safe assumption to make). You’ve said your piece, I think you’ve done enough. If she can’t come to terms with it, then there’s really little you can do, as the situation is already out of your control.
If she brings it up again, I guess you can just say that she knows your stance in this situation. Don’t bring it up anymore so she doesn’t think you’re being insensitive and when it does blow up in her face (chances are, this will happen), just don’t say I told you so.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Gianina and I know we both like each other. We call our relationship “more than friends, less than lovers.” We’ve been friends for five years.
Five months ago, she stopped communicating with me. The last time I heard from her was on my birthday last August. She greeted me and said sorry for being complicated. I asked her why she stopped talking to me but she did not give an answer other than she was just a complicated person. I asked her if she still has the same feelings she had for me before and she said yes. She said I am still for her.
The problem is I don’t feel special to her. She just replies to my texts and is never the one who texts first. When we are with our friends, I am always the first to approach her. I know and understand girls, they like guys to make the first move. But isn’t it too much if I do it all the time? I already feel like it’s a one-sided relationship. Is it my fault to expect to be treated in a “special” way? – CJ
CHICO SAYS… You’re not in the friend zone, since you’re obviously more than a friend, but you’re not in the boyfriend zone either, since, well, you’re not her boyfriend. You’re more like in the romance twilight zone. You know what, until you find out what makes her “complicated” or in other words, why she won’t take that leap and be your girlfriend, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe she’s commitment-phobic, maybe she’s been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or maybe she likes you except for one thing about you that’s stopping her. Maybe she likes you but she likes girls more, maybe she’s been cursed by an evil witch and she turns into a killer bunny every summer solstice. Until you squeeze out from her what’s really making her tick, you’ll be running around in circles every time she goes in and out of your life. I suggest you finally have “the talk.” I think you’ve reached a level where she already owes you an explanation. Take out the guesswork and ask all the questions straight up and demand non-cryptic responses from her. I think you deserve it.
DELAMAR SAYS… Yes, it is tiring to always make the first move. At some point, you want to know that the other person seeks you out too. So, it isn’t unreasonable to want her to text you first, approach you first, talk to you first, etc. Some girls are like that though. She says she’s ‘complicated’ like that’s supposed to make it alright but it doesn’t. It can make you tired to always be the one making the first move.
My guess is that this girl is tired of being “more than friends less than lovers.” I mean if it has been five years that you’ve been at this stage, she might be getting tired of waiting for you to make it official. You know what I mean? I could be wrong here but she might be getting exasperated with not knowing if she is your girl or not. Or, to put it the other way around, maybe she wants to know if you’re her boyfriend or not. Let’s face it, five years of being special friends is too long to wait for you to become more than just friends. I think when she suddenly stopped communicating with you, she was hoping you’d realize what you really want from her. Maybe she wanted to find out what you would do if you lost her.
Ask yourself what you want from this girl. Do you want her to be your girlfriend? What’s next for the two of you? Five years of being “more than friends less than lovers” has run its course. It’s time to know what you want from each other, what you mean to each other. So, be a man and go ask her. Settle this once and for all, for your sake and hers.
GINO SAYS… I’m sorry if this might seem harsh, but if it’s been five years I think it’s been more than enough time for you to wait around. I think you’re being taken for granted and I think you’re being used as a spare tire of sorts. No matter how complicated a person might be, five years is a long, long time. I think she only talks to you because she feels lonely, or maybe she only does this when she needs something from you emotionally. Try to realize that you’re wasting a lot of time on someone who can’t even consider how you feel. Making someone wait for five years and not even being consistent about the way they feel? I mean, what exactly are you getting out of it? I’m sorry about having to say this, but if she did love you, she would’ve done something about it already. She would’ve dived in head first despite being scared of what might happen. If you were in her situation, wouldn’t you have?
Save yourself from agony and start walking away. You’ve already dug a pretty deep grave. Stop digging and get away from it while you still can. If she follows then good for you, if she doesn’t then you just dodged a bullet.