DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Recently, I just broke up with my boyfriend, so it’s more correct to call him, an ex. We were together for five months, but I decided to call it quits because the very reason for our arguments two or three months ago kept on resurfacing.
You see, we were just going on our third month when he started mentioning about starting a “family” even if it means that marriage will just follow soon. Honestly, I was hurt because I’d like him to marry me first before we think of having a baby and starting a family. Even if he kept on repeating it, I tried to be composed about it. Before we had a big fight about it and he said he will never do it again. He even said that the next time he insisted, he will be the one to break up with me.
Unfortunately, just last February, it happened again. I was trying to explain the consequences of what will happen, especially with us resigning both from our jobs. Of course, it’s hard to do something unprepared. He insisted that it will be a fruit of love. That was my breaking point, because he said he will just sleep since I am not agreeing with him, anyway. He apologized again and said that he did not know why he said that. I was really hurt and I decided to call it quits. How can he insist that when he really had no concrete plans about us? I’m just so afraid because I know we are not both ready yet.
I know I also hurt him by calling it quits. But I did it for the best, hopefully. Sometimes though, I feel sad. Why does it have to be that way, because I really trusted in him, but it all turned out otherwise? I really hope you can give me an unbiased advice and point of view about this. Thank you very much. – Nelie
CHICO SAYS… What bothers me is the insistence of your ex to start a family before considering marriage. I can understand if it were by accident, and you decide to start a family minus the marriage. But to plan a child out of wedlock is unorthodox, to say the very least. I know of couple who don’t believe in marriage, that’s why they avoid it. But in your case he seems the marrying kind, just not now. But in my opinion, if you’re not ready for marriage, why the rush to have a family? Again, I would understand if it were a matter of a philosophical standpoint against marriage, but he seems to just stem from not wanting to be tied down, or to put it more crassly, from keeping a way out, an escape plan. I think going your separate ways is the wise decision at this point. You should be on the same page when it comes to marriage and kids. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but for sure it’ll be an uphill climb.
DELAMAR SAYS… You know what you want. You should stick to that. You want to get married first, of course. If he really loves you and if he really wants to start a family then he would have proposed marriage. Why not make it official and have the family AFTER the wedding? To me, it is very suspicious that he would just want to have the baby first. There is something not right here.
First of all, how does he know that he’s ready for marriage and family after only five months of being together with you?
Second, have you both been having sex? It would make sense for him to say he wants to have a baby with you first then marriage later if what he really just wants is for you both to start having sex. He might think that promising marriage after sex might be the best way to get you in bed. In that case, he’s lying. He might just want to have sex and not really to start a family. AGAIN, if family is really what he wants to have with you then he would have married you already. Not just have a baby together. Lastly, if you say and know you’re not ready for marriage then DON’T GET MARRIED. You, of all people, would know if you’re up to it or not. And you’re not. You know that. Sometimes people ‘think’ they’re ready and they’re not and they get married and they are miserable. But you, you already know it isn’t time yet. You should listen to that.
Bottom line, there is something this guy isn’t being up front about. Something is left unexplained and unsaid. To me, it sounds like he’s only thinking of himself and what he wants. Assuming he really does want to start a family first before marrying you, well that is only good for him. You will be the one taking all the risks. How sure are you he’ll really marry you after he gets you pregnant? Parenting is a task of a lifetime so please don’t take it lightly. It really seems what he want is only to take care of himself, not you. It doesn’t sound like he has your interest in mind. You are right to not want to have a child out of wedlock. Most of all, you are right not to want to start a family if you know you’re not ready. And if I’m being totally honest about my opinion, I think you might be right to break up with him, too.
GINO SAYS… I think that sometimes you find people you’re really attracted to and that you really fall in love with but sometimes you really just don’t end up going towards the same path. Of course, this is sad and you feel like it’s unfair but sometimes that’s just how life is.
You can apply this to other facets of life as well, like why a guy you like doesn’t like you back or something to that effect. I’m sure you’ve seen Hollywood movies where the couples don’t end up together no matter how into each other they are. I’d like to think that it’s for a better purpose and that it’s because were meant for someone or something else.
I know it’s difficult but you just have to trust what life has in store for you.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… Ian and I met at the company we’re both working for and have been together for two years. We’ve been through a lot of break ups − mainly because of religion − but no matter how many times we’ve said that we’re done, we always end up being together again and sometimes it’s just nakakasawa na but I still do love him.
Recently, we celebrated Valentine’s day on a beach, and during that time, he admitted that he’s courting one of his colleagues named Jane (not her real name), whom I got with on the wrong foot. I don’t want to judge her but when I met her, she degraded me in front of many people during one of our company’s annual big events (probably because she has a higher position than me) and asked me what the hell am I doing there. I even told this incident to Ian, but he said maybe she was just tired. Well, I was tired, too.
I was having the time of my life when he pulled the rug under me and I was caught completely off guard. He told me I have to accept that one day, he would find someone else and I have to let go because we both know that we will never have a happy ending together because of my religion. I admit, we talked about this before and I thought that I would be just fine, but I was wrong. Still, I gave him his freedom. He was so comfortable with my company that he even asked me if Jane would also like him. I mean, how insensitive was that?
After that, I told his mom about the situation without Ian knowing it, and she cried and begged me not to go. His sister also did the same. I am so close to them that they’ve already considered me a part of the family. He told me not to tell his family yet because they will get mad at him, but receiving this much affection from them is driving me crazy. It makes me want to hold on, to hope for more. I want to stay for them, and also to be near Ian. But I also want to go because I can’t stand the fact that he has someone new. Maybe, I was too “cool” or more like a “dude-type of woman” for him that he didn’t see me worth staying for. What should I do? How can I move on when his family is still clinging to me? Thank you. – Magguerite
CHICO SAYS… I think you’re just looking for a reason to hold on to a losing battle (more like lost, if you ask me). It doesn’t really matter if the reason is religion or whatever else it may be, the point is, he’s checked out already, he just hasn’t moved out his luggage yet. He spelled it out for you, how he says you should accept the fact that he’ll find someone new. In fact, he’s already asking you tips on how to win his new girl. To be frank, I don’t think he’s being necessarily cruel, but maybe he feels he needs to do this since you tend to cling tenaciously, no matter how badly he treats you. You can’t seem to accept the idea that he wants out. And now you go the way of his mom and sister. You did this behind his back precisely because you know he won’t like it. But remember, it’s him you’re going to marry, not his family. Even if you’re their choice, you’re not his choice. And unfortunately, his vote matters most. My advice, do an Elsa and LET IT GO.
DELAMAR SAYS… The opinion of your ex’s family regarding your break up doesn’t matter. So, don’t get caught up in that. It’s nice that they are sad that you’ve broken up but it has absolutely no bearing on your break up. Taken to the extreme, do you really think the break up will be reversed because of how his family feels? The only thing that matters is how you and your ex feel about each other. It’s what he does to keep the relationship going that matters. And what you do, that will keep it going. Or not.
Your letter says nothing about how YOU are fighting for your ex or your relationship. All you say is it’s because of religion. If it’s about the differing religions you belong to, then why don’t one of you give way? If so, which one gives way? Your letter says nothing about YOU are questioning the inevitable sad ending because of your religious differences. He said it and you just agreed with him. What is it that you’ve done to fight for the relationship? For your ex? You just go with the flow and expect a different ending. That’s crazy. If you don’t want to lose him, THEN DO SOMETHING. Fight! Fight until you’ve absolutely lost. You’ve been passive. You let him do what he wants, think what he thinks without so much as a peep from you. You cannot possibly expect to have a different ending if you never bothered to change it. But if you also agree with him, that there can be no happy ending here. Just let him go. There’s no point in delaying the inevitable. Don’t invest more if you think there’s no possibility of winning, if there’s no probability of changing the ending the way your ex sees it.
If you love him, fight. Make a decision on the religion issue. If there’s no ‘fixing’ that issue and neither of you will give way, then let each other go. If there’s really nothing more you can do about getting back, then just focus on moving on.
GINO SAYS… I’ll keep this simple. You’re not in a relationship with Ian’s mom or his sister. You WERE in a relationship with Ian. And then he told you he was going for someone else.
I’m sure it’s difficult to have to pull away from a family that has come to love you after all this time, but from the look of things it’s just his family that’s still in love with you, not him. You have to come to terms with this because it’s not going to get any easier on you, while Ian, on the other hand, is just going to be trying to get it on with someone else.
There are a lot of things that we don’t want to do because they’re difficult, but at the end of the day, they’re still things we have to do anyway. I’m sorry if this will sound harsh but do you really want to be in this kind of situation? Let’s just say you and Ian get back together because his family nudged him toward that direction. Do you honestly think you’ll last? Do you honestly think you’ll be happy knowing na “napilitan” lang siya sa’yo? It starts out with that and next thing you know, he might just be cheating on you.
Get out while you can. Don’t dig your own grave any deeper.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… I’m Christian, 25 years old, and a nurse in one of the biggest hospitals in Manila. I met Ryan in a gay social networking site. He lives in Baguio and I live in Manila. We’ve seen each other at least once a month. Every day, we used to call, text and do video call. We’ve been together for six months now. Lately, he’s starting to get cold, and text/calls seem to be fewer. His excitement for us drastically declined.
There’s an incident that I accidentally opened his email and saw a lot of his old own sex videos and nude photos of him together with other guys. When we were talking about fidelity issues, he told me that he already changed and I should trust him. It was so difficult trusting him, knowing his past and that we are too distant from each other. I’m thinking that he can cheat at any time. Should I continue our relationship? I never cheated on him. Hope you can help me. − Christian A.
CHICO SAYS… Trust is a huge leap of faith. And precisely because it is a leap, regardless of its noble intentions, the chances of you missing your mark and falling straight to your doom, is quite a possibility. Is it possible that he has changed? Of course. But is it also possible that being creatures of habit, humans tend to do the same things over and over again? History has shown that this is the more common unfortunate progression. You say you never cheated on him. This is because fidelity has been your habit. Do the math. I know I’m sounding quite the naysayer, but all I’m saying is, yes, people can change, but more often than not, people tend to stay who they already are. Yes, I believe in success stories, I’m just saying it doesn’t happen often. You could be one of the lucky few who found yourself a success story, but don’t be too surprised if you find yourself with a leopard that hasn’t changed its spots. The fact that he has started to become colder and more emotionally distant is reason to be extra cautious. The cliché says distance fans great loves but extinguishes lesser ones. If your flames had been reduced to barely an ember, maybe it’s time to find your heat elsewhere.
DELAMAR SAYS… Anyone can cheat anytime whether you live near or far away from each other. Getting less phone calls and texts from your loved one does happen the longer a relationship goes on. Trust issues will always be part of any relationship. So the real problem here is the long distance between you and your boyfriend. It’s making the usual problems worse than they would normally be. Fixing these problems or addressing these issues is a lot easier too if you were closer to each other. But you are not.
So, here’s the real question: are you in love enough and is your boyfriend in love enough with you to deal with the demands of a long distance relationship? Maybe you are since you know how much you feel for him. But you don’t know him well enough to know if he’s up for it. It’s hard to know someone if they are too far away from you. There’s only so much that texts, phone calls, and Facetime can cover. Being next to someone going through the normal routine of every single day gives you a real sense of who he is. Your boyfriend’s past is something that scares you and rightly so. There is an equal chance that he hasn’t changed and the possibility that he really loves you. Somewhere between those two possibilities is all the doubt you’re living in right now. Ask yourself if you both can handle a long distance relationship. Is it enough to give you both what you want and need from each other? Can he live with you being so far away? Can you live on calls, texts and once-a-month visits? How long can you sustain the relationship this way? And what is the end goal here? Do you see yourselves moving to be with each other? It’s time to ask all these questions so that you both know if the relationship is worth fighting for.
GINO SAYS… I’m a firm believer of second chances and I don’t think you should discredit him just because of his past. I can only imagine how difficult it must be considering the things you’ve seen, but just because he was like that before, doesn’t mean he’s still like that now. Maybe you can ask him to delete the old videos since it’s kind of weird if he still keeps it around. It’s like keeping old photo albums of your exes lying around the house and honestly you wouldn’t want a scandal on your hands.
If he says he’s changed, I think you should give him a chance first. Just make it clear that at the first sign (with proof) of infidelity, you’re out the door.
Maybe you can talk to him about the lessened interest. Tell him the reason why you’re becoming somewhat paranoid is because of his seeming lack of interest. Before you do this though, is it really that big of a difference? Sometimes people forget that passionate love can only be sustained for so long. The kilig phase won’t last forever. Scientifically speaking, your body can only handle it for a certain period of time, after that real comparability kicks in and that’s when you usually find out if you’re really meant for each other. Before you speak with him, assess it first. I always believe that you shouldn’t fix what isn’t broken in the first place. You might just dig up new problems in the process. But if it really bothers you, then go ahead and talk to him.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My boyfriend used to be my college friend. He was also the ex-boyfriend of one of my best friends who is now married with two kids. She is now living in Australia.
Last year, he called me to catch up on my life and started courting me. He would frequently text and call, and would even pick me up from our office even though it’s very late. To be honest, I did not like him at first because I felt he was not committed in pursuing me. Later on, I eventually saw the efforts he was exerting to show how important I am to him.
We became a couple after a month of courting, despite us being total opposites. He is very sweet, touchy and very expressive. I am not. He kept on saying he loves me, but I am not able to say that I love him. It’s because I think he still loves his ex-girlfriend, who is my best friend until now. We still keep on talking about her because we had lots of memories during our college days. They have been together for one year and it took him a long time to have another girlfriend again.
After a month of being in a relationship with him, he seldom called and sent text messages. I asked him if we were okay. He just said, “Yes, we are okay.” One night, we had dinner with his brother and his wife and he introduced me as the best friend of his ex-girlfriend. I was deeply hurt by that. I became quiet the whole night until I got home. I did not say anything to him. We did not talk about it.
I thought we were still okay after that, but one day, I did not receive any text or call from him. I sent him a text message to ask how he is. But he did not reply. By the third day, I sent him a long message, asking him what went wrong, and he still didn’t reply.
I requested our college friend to text my boyfriend and he replied to him. Guys, I was deeply hurt once again. I have been texting and calling him for two days but I got no reply. But with just one text from our college friend, he replied immediately. After that, he texted me to say that he was composing himself, and that we will talk one of these days.
What pains me most is that he is my friend before he became my boyfriend. I just want him to give me a reason why he suddenly dropped me. I am really clueless about this. Why do guys do this? I just wish that he would have the guts to confront me and tell me everything. It’s been more than a month now since I last heard from him. Please help. – Lyra
CHICO SAYS… To me, it’s quite obvious that he wants out, but he doesn’t know how to go about it. There’s nothing wrong about wanting out of a relationship, it’s the “how you go about it” that’s usually the problem. Your biggest dysfunction seems to be the lack of communication. He won’t tell you what went wrong, while you won’t tell him anything, period. You say he used to be expressive about his feelings, but now he seems anything but expressive. In fact, he’s shut you out completely. He won’t even give you a Piolo-esque “acceptable reason.”
But remember, you are just as tight-lipped about things yourself. You never told him how offended you felt after being introduced as his ex’s best friend. It wasn’t merely inaccurate, since you were already his girlfriend, it was downright slap-in-the-face-with-a-trout rude. You should have told him right there how upset you were. You should have asked him why he didn’t introduce you as he should have. But you didn’t. For all you know he has no idea why you suddenly went cold on him. So now that he seems to want you to just go away and disappear, it’s hard to ask him to be open when you couldn’t even tell him you love him. He doesn’t really know how you feel about him, so it seems fair, no matter how twisted it sounds, that you don’t know how he feels in return. You can’t demand to receive what only he can decide to give. If the day comes when he finally decides to tell you, then good for you. But if he remains as tight-lipped as a frozen virgin, then you have no choice but to let it go.
DELAMAR SAYS… I don’t know what kind of people (after all it isn’t always just the guys who do this sort of thing there are women, too) would just leave someone they say they love hanging just like that. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. And it isn’t kind. To just disappear from someone’s life just like that is not something you do to someone you love…or even used to love. They leave too many questions behind, that moving on becomes even harder than it already is. No closure. How can you even begin to clean up the mess of a break up like that?
I would go see him and ask him to give it to me straight. CALMLY. Tell him he owes you that much. CALMLY. You deserve to know the reason and/or the explanation. CALMLY. Don’t go through a friend or through text. Go see him in person. In his house. Go when you know he’s home and he has no other way out but to tell you face to face what his reasons are. Again, CALMLY. It’s not about picking a fight or being belligerent or combative. You need to hear his explanation. If he won’t go to you to give it then you have to go to him to get it. So, go get it. CALMLY.
I’m not sure what kind of reason he’ll give you for doing what he did. But it isn’t about that anymore. You just need to hear it from him. You just need your closure. For me, it isn’t about being desperate or going psycho on your ex. This is about treating someone as a person. You are a person not a thing without feelings that gets dropped without so much as an explanation or a reason. There was one. And he needs to tell you what it is.
GINO SAYS… Guys do that out of a lack of decency and because he lacks the guts to talk to you about it. I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. This is absolutely true. No matter how coldhearted you are or even if you’re the world’s biggest douche bag, it’s never easy to let anyone down. Him not talking to you about letting you go is just a sign of how cowardly he is. He may have his reasons, but it’s just not right to let someone go without closure.
I know it’s difficult but you should really just focus on moving on. If he doesn’t have the decency to let you down properly, then good riddance. I don’t think you’d want to end up with a man like that anyway. I know that without closure it’s infinitely more difficult to move on, but you will eventually and you’ll look back and remember that all of this happened to make you stronger, to make you more wary of your choices, to be a better judge of character, and it’ll make the grand prize seem a bit sweeter.
Keep your head up and forget about him. If he hasn’t had the guts to talk to you in a month, you shouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of being able to do so.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… I’m really particular about details and tend to micromanage most things. While this works well at work, I’ve come to realize that this only makes me look like a nagger outside of the office.
Since I realized that about myself, I’ve tried my best to hold my tongue and let things sort themselves out on their own. It’s easy for me to do it when it’s just acquaintances, but it’s been harder for me when it comes to my friends. This is because I get irritated at them for not planning things as well as I would like — but I don’t tell them about it before, during, or after the planning stage because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m a nagger.
Can you guys help me communicate better with my friends about what I want? I don’t want them to get mad at me for telling them what to do, but I don’t want to get mad at them because I didn’t tell them what to do. –Veronica
CHICO SAYS… Some people are organized, some people are not. Such is the duality of humanity. You just happen to be the type who does things right, and you give your best at the barest minimum. And I’m sure this has served you well in your chosen profession, as it should. Good for you. But there are people who tend to just coast by, just submit enough to get the passing grade, just enough to not get into trouble. And I’m sure they feel the consequence of that as well. Not good for them. But unfortunately for people like you, there is such a thing as free will. They actually have the right to be as slovenly, as sloppy, and as haphazard in living their life as they choose. If you want things to be done right, then do it yourself. But if you can’t, you can’t go around telling your peers what to do and how to do them. You’re their friend, not their boss. There are people who are always late, who never bring what they’re supposed to bring, who do things wrong, all as a matter of habit. And they’re not necessarily sorry for it. Maybe you can try to correct them in a joking manner, or show them how you corrected what they did wrong. Besides, if you’re expected to accept them as they are, with all their “substandard” ways, they should be just as accepting of your obsessive-compulsive perfectionism.
DELAMAR SAYS… I think you should just admit to your friends that you’re a nagger/control freak. It is better that you can be yourself with them and it’s better for them to tolerate your quirk. Friendship comes with the comfort that you can be your true self and your friends can tell you exactly how they feel about you and your quirk. It’s a give and take deal. You be yourself and your friends can be honest with how they feel about your tendency to micromanage, to nag to get what you want and how you want it. Of course, there will be times you might go overboard and then they can tell you off. And you just have to take their reaction. This is how we learn the boundaries or our threshold for what we can and cannot tolerate.
Friends can argue and fight about things but at the end of it all, you are still friends, you still love each other. What kind of a friendship do you have if you’re in the closet about being a micromanager and cannot be your true self around them? Be open. Admit to them what you are. Ask for their patience and indulgence but be prepared when they have to react to you. A true friendship is not so fragile, not so brittle as to be broken by being yourself. It should be far stronger than that.
Another thing you can do is take charge of the plans of your barkada. You can be the one to make sure things are prepared properly or at least up to your standards. Do the work of planning so you don’t have to complain about it.
Look, you should definitely keep your quirk in check. But you also have to be open and honest about your true tendencies with your friends. It’s useless for you to always be guarded. Let them know that your penchant for details is something that can drive people up the wall. You’ll be surprised at how forgiving and accepting they can be as long as you admit certain things about yourself.
GINO SAYS… I’d like to think that your friends would understand that. Just try to deliver whatever you want to say in a nice way. Just remember that while you may want things to go a certain way, other people might want to approach it differently. I’m sure if you voice your opinions properly then they’ll hear you out. They might not necessarily agree with you but it’s a step. Just be gentle with your words despite how irritated you may already be. The best kind of friends are the ones who can accept you for who you are, including the irritating things about you that other people aren’t supposed to accept. Give your friends a bit more credit. They might just surprise you.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and I have to say that I’m having second thoughts about our relationship.
He’s never been the most expressive of people, and I was aware of this when we first got together. It didn’t bother me then, but now I always feel bad whenever I get rejected if I try to be a little expressive in public. It’s not like I want to make out; I just want us to hold hands and maybe hug.
He says he loves me, but sometimes I have a hard time believing it. I’ve thought about ending it with him, but my friends say that my reason is a shallow one. Is it? How can I make this relationship work? -Khizzy
CHICO SAYS… What you need at this point in your relationship, which I assume is a relatively new one, is some in-depth emotional spelunking. You obviously don’t know much yet about each other’s inner workings. He doesn’t know that you crave for some physical display of emotion, while you don’t understand his seeming repulsion to the idea. True, it could be a sign that maybe he’s not all that into you, in which case leaving is a good response, but it could also be a sign of a deeper issue that might merit further investigation. Maybe it’s an intimacy issue from when he was a kid, borne out of physically distant parents. I’m just guessing here, it could be one of many things that can screw a person up. All I’m saying is, try talking about it. Tell him how you feel rejected when he distances himself from you. See what he has to say about it. Base your decision on whether to stay or go on what he says and does after your talk. If you can work things out with better communication, then stay. If, after he speaks up, you feel that it’s not what you’re looking for in a life partner, then you reserve the right to find someone else who feels like a better fit.
DELAMAR SAYS… I don’t think it’s a shallow reason at all. For physically expressive people, being affectionate is like breathing. You can’t stop it anymore than you can stop inhaling and exhaling. For some I would even say it’s a need. If they don’t touch, kiss or hug their partners, they feel stifled, depressed, disconnected and/or unloved even. And feeling unloved is a real issue in a relationship.
Despite having said that, I wouldn’t jump into breaking up as a way to address the problem. I think you need to learn how to tell your boyfriend that this is important to you. That it matters to you, a lot, actually. You also have to question using the reason “I’m-not-really-the-affectionate-type as a valid argument because you can also say, “But I AM the affectionate type.” In the face of a stand-off, who gets their way? The answer is − COMPROMISE! I don’t know how you’ll manage that but if you love each other you’ll both meet each other halfway. That’s what couples have to do to stay together. You give in a little to your partner’s demands and in return he gives in to yours because being without them is not an option. You’re both supposed to feel like the alternative is a big no-no. Break up? Be without you in my life? No way! If he’s not giving in and your solution to your problem is a break up then you both might be really too inexperienced at relationships, or maybe there isn’t enough love there.
Whatever the case is, don’t just let go of someone without really trying to work things out. You might regret it in the end.
GINO SAYS… I don’t think your reason are shallow. It’s a relationship YOU’RE in. Your friends don’t have to deal with it, you do. You already know what you want from him, why don’t you talk to him about it? Tell him what you want and how it makes you feel. Relationship is all about communication, you just have to meet halfway. If he isn’t willing to do that, then maybe it’s time to move on and tell him that too.
To him or your friends, this might be a shallow reason. But it’s still your decision in the end. You’re supposed to get what you want out of a relationship. I mean isn’t that the reason why we get into these things? It’s supposed to make us feel happy, and to be sort of an add-on to our happiness. If it stops doing that for you then maybe there’s something wrong. Maybe you can look elsewhere for it. But make sure that you discuss it first so you can at least give the guy a chance to make amends.
DEAR CHICO, DELAMAR, AND GINO… When Billy and I first met, there was an immediate attraction between the two of us. We became a couple in the space of a month, and for a while it was really great between us.
However, as time passed, Billy has revealed himself to be entirely different from the guy that I was first attracted to. If he used to be a fun person to hang out with, now he’s extremely possessive and controlling. He monitors what I put out on social media, and we end up fighting whenever he thinks I am talking about him − even when I’m not.
Despite our constant fighting, he insists he loves me and he wants the two of us to move in together after college. And the thing I hate the most is that I’m seriously considering it! I feel like there is something wrong with me for continuing to stick with this guy. What should I do to get away? –Christine
CHICO SAYS… Some couples thrive on drama, while some couples are torn apart by it. I know couples who actually feel, consciously or otherwise, that the drama is the spice that puts flavor in the humdrum everyday grind of domesticity. Some couples on the other hand, consider drama as the arsenic that poisons the relationship, little by little as the days pass until it drops dead, unrevivable. If you’re serious about leaving, you just wait until that day comes, when you’ve reached the tipping point, when you no longer ask if, not even when, you’d break up, because immediately isn’t soon enough. People who want to leave, leave. They don’t ask how, they don’t ask when, they don’t ask why. If you’re still considering moving in with him, then maybe you’re not convinced enough that he’s bad news. It’s just cause and effect. If you like the cause, then live with the effect. If you can’t stand the effect, get rid of the cause.
DELAMAR SAYS… You want to get out of this controlling relationship? JUST DO IT.
You want to get away from this guy? JUST DO IT. You have free will. You’re not in a cage and you’re not his prisoner. If there is anyone more responsible for your happiness, it’s you. And if there is anyone who is most responsible for being with a controlling partner, it’s you, too. So, you are going to have to be the one to find the courage, the strength and the wherewithal to end things with your boyfriend and be free from his controlling ways. Just do it. It starts there. It starts with you and what you will do. Don’t just let yourself be taken by his will and what he wants. You have to stand up for yourself and be free from him.
But it will all happen once you do something to get away from him. Find the will to get away from what is comfortable. Because staying with him certainly is. You avoid the big mess of a break up by just meekly doing whatever he wants. But you will never be happy with him. How crazy is that, you’re in a relationship that you don’t want to be in? The time for thinking is over. It’s time to act. There’s no more figuring out what you want. You already know you want out. So, get out. Get out now. Break up with him if that’s what you want. JUST DO IT. Do it already.
GINO SAYS… Are you absolutely sure you want to get away from him? I think that’s the first thing you have to address. I mean if you’re not sure about it just yet, if you’re still considering it then maybe there’s still something there. Have you tried talking to him about his attitude? Maybe that’s all you need. Maybe that’s what you’re waiting for. Maybe he’s someone you can really see yourself with but minus the whole being possessive and controlling type.
Try talking to him first. Try to convince him to change the way he is, tell him that maybe that’s what’s holding you back from moving in with him because I think that’s what’s holding you back from leaving him in the first place. Trust me when I say that when you can’t stand being with someone anymore, you’ll find a way to get out of the relationship easily. I mean it won’t be easy to say so, or tell them that you’re leaving them but it’ll be easy for you to make that decision. Even if you find it hard because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you’ll do it anyway because at the end of the day when you see that it’s a lost cause, you save yourself.
Talk to him and figure it out first. If you still see that no changes have been made and that you’re ready to leave him, the words will come easily.