DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… I’m a friendly person so it’s not really hard for me to adjust to a new environment. When I first got my job a year and a half ago, I quickly made friends among my co-workers. One of the people I got close to was Lizzy, who I connected with despite the huge gap in our ages. We quickly became bosom buddies, and for the most part do not keep secrets from each other.
In fact, she was the one who first approached me about the affair she was having with a married man. While I advised against it, I also told her that the decision still lay with her, so she ended up continuing the affair anyway.
However, I feel like I should really put my foot down this time around, as the man she is having an affair with has become quite abusive. I found this out when she asked me to check her email for her. I couldn’t help myself and ended up checking their online exchanges, which consisted of him using abusive language against her, while my friend always ends up pleading to be forgiven — even if she isn’t at fault, if the tone of the emails are to be believed.
Would it with be a wise move on my part to finally put my foot down and tell her to end this affair? Or should I maintain my old policy of advising but letting her make the final decision anyway? I fear that soon enough, my friend won’t just be suffering verbal abuse, but physical abuse as well. — VERONICA
CHICO SAYS… Inasmuch as it sounds good to say that you have the option to put your foot down, I’m afraid you give yourself too much power when it comes to your friend’s life. Like you said, you can advise, but you can’t really tell someone to do anything without their consent. You can put pressure on them, but you can’t make them. It is still a free country. And yes, even abused women willingly stay in abusive relationships even if they have all the power to leave at any time.
Now let’s say she is already being held against her will, then that’s a different matter altogether. And even if that were the case, it’s too big for you handle; it’s more of police matters already. But I don’t think it’s reached that point yet. And I’m afraid when it’s in this twilight, neither day nor night stage of the alleged “abuse”, you can’t really put your foot down on anything. Remember, you’re only her friend. Even parents can’t really put their foot down in terms of an adult making decisions on her own. We simply cannot make other people’s decisions for them.
Maybe what you’re saying is that you should be more forthright with your advice. Maybe you felt your previous advice was too soft or too vague. If that’s the case, then yes, you can be more direct when it comes to your call on the situation. But remember, that’s all you can do – give advice. You cannot force, you cannot compel her to do anything without her consent. As much as it sounds so sad, that some people will put up with abuse of any kind just to stay in a relationship, I’m afraid that that sad option is fully their right as a consenting adult.
And let’s not forget that tiny detail that you got most of your “evidence” illegally, when you snooped into her emails without her permission. But go ahead, tell her what how you feel. All I’m saying is, don’t feel that she’d be obliged to follow your advice just because you dispensed it.
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… Among our circle of friends, Johanna is the one that always seems to be experiencing a crisis.
Whenever she descends into one of her whining sessions, we friends always end up being approached for advice on practically anything, although more often than not, it’s about her boyfriend. This has happened so many times that any one of us can practically outline the story of her romantic life.
What has been frustrating us is the fact that she constantly asks us for advice on what to do — and then promptly ignores everything we say.
If she’s not rationalizing (“Your advice doesn’t really apply to me because…”), she’s making allowances for her boyfriend’s behavior. And when things end up messed up again, she comes back to us for advice which she once again ignores.
Right now our group is divided about what to do with Johanna. Do we just do as we did before and hope that this time around she takes our advice? Or do we just stop giving her advice altogether and let her sort her own life out? What do you guys think? -Veronica
CHICO SAYS… This does not have to be a communal decision. The decision of one does not have to be the decision of the entire barkada.
Maybe there are some among you who could tolerate her drama just a little bit better than the others. So in those cases, maybe those who haven’t reached their limit could take one for the team and be the designated drama unloading zone for now.
And maybe in the future, when they’ve reached their saturation point, then those who kept their distance can then take their turn. It seems to me that she’s grown addicted to the attention she’s getting, to the point that she could even be cultivating the drama.
There are people like this, who use the drama in their lives as a tool to get love via attention. Most of the time they don’t even know they’re doing it.
Without them realizing it, they get to the point that they’re “excited” to tell you the latest sob story she has to tell. Everyone milling around her, her being the center of everyone’s attention, everyone pitching in with their advice…this could be an intoxicating tonic that can act like a feel good drug. It’s a heady feeling, to be fussed over by your friends, feeling all the love and support.
So in cases like these, sometimes some tough love is in order. She also needs to know that it’s not always about her. There will be days when no one will speak of her drama. Some days you focus on somebody else. She needs to learn that it can’t always be about her. I’m not saying that you guys should just withdraw all attention.
What I’m saying is, don’t always give in to her calls for attention. Some days you withhold it, some days you shovel it in spades. Yes, expect that on the days that you’ll be more indifferent than usual, a little bit less sympathetic to her woes, she will feel upset and tampo with you guys.
Maybe some days you need to be brutally honest with her. Maybe someone should be brave enough to point out loud that she always asks for advice, then proceeds to ignore all advices, then makes the same mistakes, then runs back to you for more advice that she would ignore all over again.
Maybe she needs to see the pattern. Try to find a way to deliver the message that you’re still there as her friends that she can run to for support, but that she also needs to learn to figure some things out on her own.
She needs to take responsibility for her actions. You won’t abandon her, you’re just trying to help her, help herself better. Tough love isn’t called that for nothing.
DELAMAR SAYS… Talking about one’s woes can be addicting. That’s because while we say the sad state of affairs of our life we are the star of the show, we’re the lead character in the movie that is our life.
And that is certainly very interesting to…um…well, us! And once you get started on that it’s easy to get carried away and think that everybody else is interested in your life as much as you. But the truth is, other people are not. There’s a limit to how much attention people can give your problem.
They have their own to think about! Okay, so what to do with your friend who got spoiled with attention? It’s simple: DON’T PARTICIPATE. Once she gets talking just let her have her say and say you don’t know what she should do.
Ask her what she plans to do about her problem. This way she has no chance to argue with you and ignore your advice. Bring the ball back to her court. Don’t engage her in a discussion.
Just listen to her and then let her come up with a solution to her own problem. And then change topic. Don’t indulge her. Do this many times until she sees that although you will listen to her but you won’t let her drag the conversation on. Trust me, she’ll get the message sooner or later. She’ll sense that you guys have a LIMITED INTEREST LEVEL for her woes.
Don’t reward her bad behavior with attention. Learn to cut the attention supply when you sense it’s becoming useless.
Because really, what’s the point of asking for advice and then arguing with it? None. In my opinion this is more about the attention that she’s getting from her friends more than seriously trying to look for a way to solve her problems.
So, next few times she starts let her talk then ask her what she plans to do and then change the topic to something more fun. Do this as many times needed until she gets the message.
Sometimes, people need to be gently reminded that their problems are their own. That they are the most interested and invested in it NOT other people. As such, it is THEIR obligation to solve it more than it is their friends’. Your friend needs to get reminded of that. Good luck!
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR …While in a mall one day, I bumped into a friend of my son who has already moved out of the house and I wanted to know how he was doing. During the course of conversation, my son’s friend accidentally let slip that my son is gay, something I was not previously aware of.
The friend was really embarrassed, and I didn’t ask him to share any more details about my son. I guess, just like any parent, I’ve always known that my son was gay, but it’s still a very different thing to hear it said out loud. I don’t have any problems with my son being gay, I did feel a little hurt that he didn’t feel safe enough with me to share this secret. His mother died when he was really young, so it’s always been my son and me. I thought that we kept a pretty open relationship, but it seems that isn’t fully the case.
But what I’m more worried about is whether I tell my son that I know he’s gay, or do I just keep quiet and let him bring it up? I don’t want him to pretend to be something he’s not, but I don’t know how he will react once he finds out that I know. I don’t want our relationship to be damaged by something that shouldn’t really be an issue. -Bob
CHICO SAYS… You say your son’s being gay is something that shouldn’t even be an issue, but this stand of yours is obviously unknown to your son. What son would still keep his sexual orientation a secret if he knew for a fact that it’s no big deal to his parents?
Everything would be so much easier, so much simpler, so much free if he disclosed a major and primal part of his personality! He wouldn’t have kept this from you had he been absolutely sure of your approval. No need to take this personally. Him not telling you doesn’t mean he loves you any less; it’s more of his fear of YOU loving HIM less that keeps him from revealing what needs disclosure.
At the root of this is the fear of rejection, the fear that you won’t approve, the fear of disappointing you, the fear that you won’t love and accept him once you find out the truth about him. Like you yourself admitted, you’ve always suspected your son to be gay, yet you recoiled when you heard the fact spoken out loud. You didn’t even want to hear details.
I’m sorry, but if it were truly a non-issue, you wouldn’t have reacted to the news with such seeming repulsion. I know it’s probably just a knee-jerk reaction, having heard it confirmed for the first time. I’m not saying you’re a homophobe, but you’re not completely comfortable with it either. It’s exactly this reaction that your son is worried about.
If you feel ready to talk about this, please do. I’m sure it’ll be like pulling teeth for the both of you, but deep inside you’d be both relieved to have it over and done with. You can do it in one big bang and sit him down and tell him you know and that you don’t mind, or you can be subtle about it and drop hints here and there betraying what you know.
You know your son better than I do, so you should be able to figure out which approach is better to take. It’s safe to assume that this would be a big load off his back if he were reassured of your support. So let him know that you know, in increments you think he’d be comfortable with, so you can proceed with a new era of openness, a new stage in your father-son relationship.
DELAMAR SAYS… When your son is ready, he will come out to you.
Maybe he’s not sure how to go about it. Maybe he’s afraid of disappointing you. Maybe he doesn’t want you to change how you look at him. Don’t be hurt that he hasn’t told you yet. You have to understand his point of view.
A son telling his father he’s gay is not the easiest of things. So if he hasn’t told you yet, trust that he has a good reason for it. And trust that in time he will tell you. He doesn’t intentionally want to hurt you by withholding the information. He’s just not ready…yet!
If I were you, I would take the lead in opening up the topic. The way you put it that it isn’t ‘really an issue’ anyway should make it easier for you to handle and take the lead in this sensitive conversation with him. Tell him you love him no matter what. Like really — NO. MATTER. WHAT. Ask him pointblank if you have the mettle for it. Or just reassure him that you will love him no matter what and no matter who he is.
In most of the coming out stories of the people around me, I noticed that it hardly matters if the child admits it first or if the parent asks first. What really truly matters is if there is acceptance after the issue has been settled. There has to be acceptance and love on the other side. Who asks or who reveals is not important. What’s important is that both parent and child feel that they still have each other after the issue of sexuality has been settled.
Ask him. Lovingly. With acceptance should he admit it and respect if he’s not ready to talk about it. Just be there for him either way.
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… My boyfriend and I have been living together for several months now, and things have been going really well.
We’ve gotten used to the quirks we’ve kept hidden from each other while we were dating, and marriage has even been brought up and considered. Just recently, my boyfriend got a pretty long email from his mother berating him for apparently taking advantage of her, not appreciating what she’s done for him, and just for being an ungrateful son.
His mom didn’t cite any particular incident, but says that this has been going on for years. My boyfriend and his mother have had the greatest relationship for as long as I’ve known him, and neither of us could think of anything particular that his mother could be mad about.
Whatever it was, he quickly apologized anyway for whatever it is he may have done. He wants to just forget about the whole thing, but I want to know what it is he’s done to offend his mother so. He’s the kindest, most caring guy I’ve ever met, and I’m a lot angrier about this whole thing than I thought I would be. — Liza
CHICO SAYS… Obviously the mother sees something that your boyfriend doesn’t, whether he didn’t realize what he did that got her so upset, or she’s gone senile and is imagining events that never happened.
People who get swimmingly well together don’t just up and turn angry for no reason. Whether warranted or not, whether perceived or actual, there was a slight that transpired. It could be one or a combination of a multitude of reasons: from him being remiss with his duties as a loving son, to “tampo” for not spending enough time with her, to something that never even happened, but was nevertheless spawned by an idle and restless imagination.
Whatever it was, your boyfriend should have gotten to the bottom of things. Why apologize without even finding out what the fuss was all about? I find that so strange.
At the very least, ask why she was so worked up, so that he can either apologize sincerely for the shortcoming, or clear things up with her if it was a mere misunderstanding.
Like I said, unless she’s senile, I think it’s pretty condescending of him to apologize without even knowing what upset her so much. I’d hate to be patronized by someone I love dearly. If what you say is true, that they have a great relationship, then he should have cared enough to find out the reasons why she made such a complete emotional u-turn. If somebody I loved dearly is suddenly furious with me, I will get to the very bottom of things and go from there. Finding out the reason is your boyfriend’s job. Then he can relay to you the events.
I agree that the information should trickle down to you as his girlfriend, but more as a privilege than as a right. This is between mother and son. Unless you were cited as a reason for her anger, this is something that you’re not directly part of. If you are part of it, then you have the right to defend yourself against the accusations, or the right to apologize for any wrongdoing. But otherwise, the details of what happened has to be freely given to you, and not demanded by you.
Did your boyfriend really not ask, or did he simply not want to share it with you? If he really didn’t ask, it’s not too late to find out the real reasons. Besides, if he never found out what made her so angry, then he’s bound to do it again. How can you avoid doing something you don’t even know you’re doing? For the sake of everyone concerned, he should find out what really happened.
DELAMAR SAYS… I’m not sure your boyfriend is being on the up and up. He must know or have at least an idea where this is coming from. And someone who doesn’t know why his mother is calling him ungrateful is likely to get mad than just let it slide.
Think about it, if someone accused you of something serious, wouldn’t you get angry if you were truly innocent of the allegations? Actually you’d probably get hurt if someone you loved accused you. I’m not trying to make you paranoid but on face value that’s just my first reaction. I think there might be more to this than meets the eye. If after years of them being close she accuses him of bein ungrateful and he just lets it slide? Hmm. Think about it.
Still after having said that, your boyfriend seems not ready to tell you what he thinks his mother is really angry about. So I’d let sleeping dogs lie. If it’s not affecting your relationship then trust him and his reasons for not telling you. As far as his mother is concerned do not get in the middle of it. Short of her harming son, this is between her and your boyfriend. Your have the right to get a little angry but there is a limit to how angry. You can feel a little bit of righteous indignation but don’t linger and stew in it. Focus on a great relationship you have with your boyfriend. If all is fine on the homefront then just let it be.
he says, she says, he says 